One of my favorite movies is 500 Days of Summer. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it after you finish reading this post. It’s one of my favorite movies. There is a wonderful scene in the movie where the main character, Tom, is going to see his love interest, Summer, at a party she is hosting and will be seeing her for the first time in a while. The screen then splits so on one side, you see the scene playing out with Tom’s expectations of how the party will go, and on the other side, you see the reality of how it actually plays out. You see Tom going through the perfectly curated moments he has mentally prepared himself for, only to be contrasted with the reality he faces throughout his encounters at the party. And as his expectations don’t line up with the reality of the situation, disappointment begins to overcome Tom. I’ve linked a video of this scene at the bottom of this post. In my opinion, this scene is one of the most accurate cinematic portrayals of real life.
Everyone Experiences Disappointment
Disappointment is a feeling that isn’t unique to Tom’s character. Disappointment is universal. Everyone experiences it at one time or another. And just as Tom did, when we experience disappointment, we can find ourselves facing intense emotions like sadness, anxiety, depression, and fear. Disappointment is inevitable, but there are ways to minimize the painful emotions we may experience.
When we find ourselves faced with disappointment, it is important to look back at what our expectations were about that situation. What outcome were we expecting? And how did this expected outcome actually align with reality?
There are times we have no way of predicting the exact reality of a given situation, but oftentimes, we are able to look to past situations and experiences to help prepare us for how things may turn out.
For example, our relationships with other people can often be a major source of disappointment. Maybe you’re going through a challenging time in your life - you’re facing a big move across the country, expecting a new baby, or just struggling to get through the day without intense anxiety. As a way to cope, you have an expectation that a particular friend will be there to support you. You expect that neighbor to show up with a meal. You expect that family member to call and check in on you, and offer the supportive words you need to hear.
But instead, that meal doesn’t come. The phone doesn’t ring. Or when it does, instead of the encouragement you need, you feel judged or criticized for feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or even depressed. And ultimately you are left feeling disappointed. You expected that person to respond in a particular supportive way, but in the end, they didn’t.
This can leave us figuring out how to cope with anxiety even more than we already were. Now we’re trying not to worry about the relationship instead of just dealing with the uncomfortable feelings we were already experiencing.
Our Expectations Can Impact Our Anxiety
It can be extremely hard to realize and accept that we aren’t able to control other people’s actions or responses. However, we can evaluate how our expectations of this person may have led to our disappointment. If you look back over the years of your relationship with this person and examine how they have communicated with you in the past, you may be able to recognize that the majority of your conversations with this person actually leave you feeling criticized. Every time you have needed her support, you have not received it. And even when you have talked with her about how you need her to support you, you don’t feel that she’s following through.
Eventually, you have to examine the expectations you have placed upon this person. If time and time again, this person has shown that she is not able to support you in the way you need her to, your expectations need to adjust to recognize her limitations. You may need to create an expectation that recognizes, “If I share my needs with her, I know that I will not receive the support I need.” Creating this new expectation will allow for less disconnect between expectation and reality, which will lead to less disappointment and less anxiety around this relationship.
Online Counseling Can Help You Cope With Disappointment
The tighter we cling to our expectations about a situation, the more disappointment we may face when reality does not play out the same way. By creating less attachment to a specific expectation, we allow ourselves to be open to the possibilities of that moment playing out differently. We can be more open to a different outcome than what we originally expected. And with a looser attachment to our expectations, we may find ourselves with less disappointment and anxiety, or at least disappointment and anxiety that is more manageable since we are not clinging so tightly to our preconceived notions.
What expectations do you need to examine and readjust to align more closely with reality? How would learning to adjust these expectations make coping with anxiety easier for you?
Begin Online Therapy for Women with Anxiety in Louisiana, Hawaii, and Colorado:
If you struggle with balancing your expectations and reality and need support to figure out how to cope with disappointment differently, help is available. I provide counseling for women with anxiety. And, I would be happy to talk with you about how counseling may be able to help you adjust these expectations, and can offer personalized coping tools to help manage your anxiety. To begin online counseling in Louisiana, Hawaii, or Colorado, follow these steps:
Schedule your free, 15-minute consultation via phone or video call
Learn more about the ways I can help you in therapy
Begin the journey to finding relief from your anxiety so you can enjoy your life again!
Other Online Therapy Services Provided By Ashley Comegys, LCSW
I provide a variety of online therapy services to women living in Louisiana, Hawaii, and Colorado. I specialize in providing online therapy for women with anxiety. But, I also offer a variety of other mental health services online including online individual counseling for women, online postpartum anxiety and online postpartum depression treatment, online postpartum support, online depression treatment, online grief counseling for women, online therapy for military spouses, and online trauma treatment for women.
Please note, due to the laws that regulate my license as an LCSW, I am only able to provide online mental health services to residents of the states of Louisiana, Hawaii, and Colorado.
Ashley Comegys is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who focuses on working with women with anxiety. She holds a license in Louisiana, Hawaii, and Colorado and specializes in providing online counseling. Based in New Orleans, LA Ashley helps women find healthy ways to cope with the anxiety that often follows life transitions, the postpartum period, motherhood, grief and loss, and trauma. If you need help finding ways to cope with your anxiety, contact Ashley to schedule your free 15-minute consultation.