When my husband and I were dating, we had a conversation that many military spouses are familiar with: “I am going to be transferring soon and I want you to come with me.”

We talked about what that would mean for our future together as a couple, and what a move with the military would look like. Over the two years we had been together by that point, I had already seen what life looked like when your significant other is a service member, so I did my best to try to prepare myself for what to expect with a military move. But of course, you can never fully be prepared, and there’s no way to predict the reality of what’s to come with military life. 

That first PCS was really hard emotionally, as I struggled to find the good in my new place of residency. I found myself feeling anxious and depressed, and practicing gratitude was a true challenge. But as time went on, and as I had more time under my belt being married to a military member, I found that when those dark places started to creep in, I was better able to anticipate those challenges. In knowing what challenges I can expect to face, I have found ways to practice gratitude in the midst of those struggles. 

Military Spouses Face Many Challenges

There are common challenges that many military spouses face, so I wanted to share five ways to practice gratitude as a military spouse in the midst of those challenges.

Challenge: Frequent Moves

Gratitude: “I get to see new places.”

On average, military members move every 2-5 years, depending upon the length of the tour of duty. And the truth is, moving SUCKS! “I love to pack up my whole house every few years,” said no one ever. 

Moving is hard physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. This was the place where you built a home and established your life for the last few years. So, when the time comes to begin purging and packing, it can be a real struggle to practice gratitude in those moments. 

Practicing gratitude for the frequent moves may look like being grateful for the opportunity to experience an adventure or a journey and explore a new place. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to live in Hawaii. In those times when I struggled with moving so far away, I expressed gratitude for the chance to live in a place that many people only dream of being able to visit. 

But what if you’re stationed somewhere that you had absolutely no desire to ever visit before, like Houma, LA? While this duty station may be one that was never on your bucket list, you can still practice gratitude. Maybe it is gratitude to experience a culture and food you’ve never had before. It could be gratitude for the hidden gems of the area that you would not have known about if you didn’t live there. Or maybe it is gratitude that you will only be stationed there for three years instead of four!

Moves are stressful and are often no fun, but when you’re dealing with the challenges of the move, find ways to practice gratitude for the new opportunities on the horizon.

Challenge: Unpredictability

Gratitude: “I am adaptable.”

The only thing predictable for life as a military spouse is unpredictability. Schedules change, deployments get moved up, and orders get delayed. The unpredictability of military life can be really hard and extremely frustrating. Simple things like picking your kids up from practice or having a date night can be near impossible when plans shift and change so easily. And for those who are planners (raising my own hand here!), this frequent shift into the unknown can really wear on you. 

One thing I know about military spouses is that we are adaptable. The frustration, sadness, and anger that can result from a change of plans are real. And those emotions can be all-consuming. But after tending to our emotional wounds, we military spouses know how to pick ourselves up and pivot. 

The number of changes and decisions that are outside your control is immense, but it is in those times when we have to shift and adjust that we can practice gratitude for learning how to adapt. This skill is one that serves you well in all areas of life and is a strength that not everyone has. As a military spouse, your adaptability muscle gets flexed regularly and grows with each unexpected change. Focus your attention on ways that you have grown in your ability to adapt as this is a life skill to be grateful for.

Challenge: Solo Parenting

Gratitude: “I am one badass, strong mother!”

Solo parenting is not for the faint of heart, but for military spouses who have children, it is a frequent way of life. Between odd work schedules, deployments, and trainings, you may be solo parenting for anywhere from a few nights to months at a time. You are filling the role of both parents while also trying to run a household that usually has the support of two people. When the laundry is overflowing, the stack of dishes in the sink is greater than those in the cabinet, the kids haven’t had a home-cooked meal in a week, and you haven’t showered in days, it can be extremely hard to find a reason to practice gratitude. 

For me, while in a period of solo parenting, it feels nearly impossible to practice gratitude. But when my husband is back home and the weight of the whole household isn’t resting solely on my shoulders, I am able to look back and say, “Holy shit! Girl, you may have about lost it during that time, but you are so much stronger than you know!” People will often say to military spouses, “I just don’t know how you do it when your spouse is gone! I don’t think I could do that!” But truthfully, you don’t know how strong you are until you are put through the fire. No, things will not go perfectly, and no, you wouldn’t choose to solo-parent, but it is in that fire that you discover just how strong you are. So, offer gratitude that you are one badass mom!

Challenge: Loneliness and Isolation

Gratitude: “I know what is important for my friendships.”

Saying goodbye is a frequent event in the life of a military family. Relocating to a new community every few years can make it very challenging to build friendships. During my first PCS, I found myself feeling lonelier than I had ever anticipated. My best friends were thousands of miles and several time zones away, and meeting new friends was way more difficult than I expected. I felt isolated and struggled to make connections. 

As often happens, I began to find my people toward the end of our duty tour. Even with more than half of our time in that place already gone, I nurtured those relationships the best I could to create a connection and relationship with those friends with the time we had left. After we PCS’d to our next duty station, those same feelings of loneliness and isolation crept in again. But this time I knew what was important to me in friendships, so I focused on seeking out people with those qualities and fostering those relationships. 

Military moves are so hard and saying goodbye to your support system every few years can be heart-wrenching. But those moves can help us figure out that which is most important in a friendship. What kind of people do we want to seek out and who do we want to invest our time in getting to know? While loneliness and isolation are hard, we can practice gratitude for the ability to know what is truly important and what matters most for us in friendships, and then use that knowledge to help us intentionally seek out those relationships.

Challenge: Loss of Career

Gratitude: “I have an entrepreneurial side I never knew was there.”

The struggle is real for military spouses when it comes to the topic of career. Finding employment and being able to consistently advance and grow in your career can be near impossible when your spouse’s job requires you to relocate every few years. While you may have flourished in your career before you met your spouse, your career may feel like it hits an abrupt stop when you’re stationed in an area where your career opportunities are minimal or non-existent. 

Moving from a large city where I had gone to grad school and was established in my career to a literal island that had a small-town feel felt like a career killer. What was I going to do? I had never envisioned myself as a business owner, nor had I considered working for myself, but when I couldn’t find work, I had to create it. I discovered a side of me that I never knew existed: I am an entrepreneur.  

As mentioned earlier, military spouses are adaptable and know how to pivot. When you’ve invested in your education, when you’ve built your career, when you’ve found a passion, it can feel soul-crushing to have to leave that behind with a move. But that adaptability muscle you’re building is ready to use when it comes to your career. Just because your spouse’s career often takes precedence doesn’t mean that yours has to die. Many military spouses have started their own businesses, found new passions, or discovered areas of career interest they never knew they had. Without the initial loss of your career, these strengths and skills may not have ever been uncovered, and that is something to be grateful for.

Begin Online Therapy for Military Spouses in Louisiana, Colorado, and Hawaii:

The challenges that military spouses face are real, and can have major impacts on emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing. If you’ve found that you’re having a hard time coping with these transitions and changes, I can help. I work with women and military spouses to help navigate postpartum anxiety and depression, life transitions, loss, grief, and trauma. I would love to talk with you about how I can help you find balance again in the midst of military life. To begin online therapy in Louisiana, Hawaii, or Colorado, follow these easy steps:

1. Schedule your free 15-minute phone or video consultation,

2. Connect with me and learn more about the ways I can help you!

3. Find control and purpose as a military spouse.

Online Mental Health Services Offered By Ashley Comegys, LCSW

In addition to online therapy for military spouses, I provide a variety of online mental health services to residents of Louisiana, Colorado, and Hawaii. These include individual counseling for women, anxiety therapy, depression treatment, counseling for women experiencing grief and loss, counseling for military spouses, counseling for mothers, and counseling for women who have survived trauma.

Please note, due to the laws that regulate my license as an LCSW, I am only able to provide online mental health services to residents of the state of Louisiana, Hawaii, and Colorado.

Ashley Comegys is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who focuses on working with women with anxiety. She holds a license in both Louisiana, Colorado and Hawaii, and specializes in providing online counseling in both states. Based in New Orleans, LA and Mililani, HI Ashley helps women find healthy ways to cope with the anxiety that often follows life transitions, grief, loss, and trauma. If you need help finding ways to cope with your anxiety, contact Ashley to schedule your free 15-minute consultation.