I hear so often from many women a common sentiment: “There’s something wrong with me because I feel ____.”

You can fill in the blank with words like angry, sad, depressed, frustrated, or some other perceived “negative” emotion. And with the belief that there is something wrong with them, there is also a belief that everyone else seems so positive. 

When we dig deeper and stop to explore why there is a belief that something is wrong with having these “negative” emotions, there usually has been some kind of overarching message in that woman’s life that has said, “It’s not okay to be mad, angry, sad, depressed…” and the list could go on.

This message could have begun early in childhood by parents, siblings, teachers, and friends, or it may have appeared later in life from professors, employers, romantic partners, or the community within which they live. While the message is that those emotions are bad, the other message communicated is “You just need to be happy. Just focus on the positive.” And this is where “toxic positivity” begins to take root.

What Is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is a dismissal of negative emotions during times of distress or pain. Toxic positivity neglects to acknowledge the emotions and experiences of someone and instead attempts to simply gloss over the situation with an “it’s all good” attitude and approach.

Have you ever told someone something like “I’m so worried about what the doctor is going to tell me the lab results show,” only to have that person respond, “It’s going to be okay? You just need to think positively. You shouldn’t worry about it. So, let me tell you about what my mother-in-law did last week.” That kind of response feels hurtful and dismissive of your feelings and experience. It can also sometimes feel like you’re being judged or shamed for having those feelings.

Understanding Toxic Positivity

Growing up, were you ever told to stop crying or that you’re acting like a baby? Or, something like “There’s no need for you to be so angry!”? What’s the underlying message here? It’s that these feelings are inappropriate or wrong. When people say things like this to us, it actually has more to do with their own discomfort with the emotion than anything we’re doing. Often that person doesn’t know how to cope with their own anger or sadness, so they shut down yours.

Your “Negative” Emotions Are Okay

You might not have heard this growing up, but it is OKAY to be angry. It is OKAY to be sad. It is OKAY to feel depressed. Too often, women are not given room to have these kinds of emotions. How many times has someone told you that you should smile more? (And how many times have you wanted to punch them in the face?) Another person may not know how to handle our struggles, but that doesn’t mean we are wrong for feeling the way we do.

When I used to work with kids, we would teach them that it’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be mad. It’s what we do with our emotions that can be good or bad. If you are feeling angry and you yell and scream at your kid’s teacher and punch the door on your way out of the school, that’s not okay. But, the emotion of anger is not wrong!

If you notice yourself trying to ignore the feeling, it’s important to find a way to express the emotion in a healthy way.

Keeping the feelings inside will only last for so long, and eventually, the response will come out in another way – either through physical symptoms such as headaches and digestive issues or through destructive choices such as substance abuse or physical aggression. So instead, remind yourself, “This is not a bad emotion. It’s what I do with the emotion that matters.”

Talking about your feelings with someone who won’t use toxic positivity is a healthy way of expressing and coping with these emotions. That one friend who always listens without judgment might be the person to share your thoughts and feelings with.

However, if you have a hard time feeling comfortable opening up to other people because you worry what they will think of you for feeling upset, talking with a therapist about your feelings is a great resource to utilize. A counselor can help you to understand your feelings and help you learn how to accept that it isn’t wrong that you experience emotions like anger and sadness. They can help you to recognize that your emotions do not mean that something is wrong with you, but that you and your emotions are normal.

Begin Working WIth an Online Therapist in Louisiana, Hawaii, Florida, and Colorado

Opening up to express your true feelings is much easier said than done. I understand these struggles and would be happy to offer support via online therapy in Hawaii, Florida, Louisiana, and Colorado. If you are ready to start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:

1. Schedule a free 15-minute consult via phone or video

2. Learn more about me

3. Start healing from the comfort of home!

 Other Services Offered with Ashley Comegys, LCSW

I am proud to offer a variety of services to the residents of Hawaii, Lousiana, Colorado, and Florida. Mental health services include therapy for anxiety, depression, postpartum depression, trauma, and grief. I also offer online postpartum support, and therapy for military spouses. Learn more by visiting my blog or about page today!