Coping With Anxiety from the Pressures of Motherhood: Stop “Shoulding” Yourself
It’s No Secret That Moms Face an Immense Amount of Pressure in Today’s World
Motherhood can feel overwhelming, and the various pressures we feel from society, our friends, family, and especially ourselves are enough to constantly set us on the verge of a panic attack.
You feel pressured to make sure that your kids are developing at a minimum “average” rate, but really it should be above average. There’s pressure to make sure your baby has THE BEST start, which means you should breastfeed. Your teenager has to have the best chance at getting into a highly-ranked college, so you should pay for all the extra tutoring and college prep you can afford.
You experience unmanageable amounts of pressure trying to make sure everyone is not only cared for but is thriving to levels of perfection.
Beyond the pressures – spoken or not – that you experience from grandparents, work, friends, or your spouse, social media has the potential to add exponential amounts of pressure. You scroll through the posts of other moms or influencers you enjoy following, only to look up from the screen and pick yourself apart for all the ways you don’t compare or measure up to how these other moms absolutely have it all together.
You look at your life and say:
“I should make homemade dinners every night.”
“I should enroll my kids in another activity because they need to keep up with everyone else.”
“I shouldn’t have eaten those Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies last night.”
“I should clean my house every night even though I’m exhausted.”
“I shouldn’t have taken so much time off to stay at home with my babies.”
“I shouldn’t have yelled at my kid.”
Using “Should” or “Shouldn’t” Can Be Very Restrictive
It implies that there is only one right way (i.e., you SHOULD do it this way) and everything else is wrong (i.e., you SHOULDN’T do it any other way). If we say that we should cook organic homemade meals from scratch, it implies that we are wrong if we don’t do that. If we should make sure that our house is spotless and picked up every day, then having a messy home is bad.
When we use these words in how we talk about ourselves and our role within our families as moms, we often use them in a very shaming or judgmental way towards ourselves. “Geez, I’m such a screw-up! I should have been able to get everyone out the door on time!” “It’s awful that I am so overwhelmed. I shouldn’t need to take a break from my kids. I should want to be around them all the time.”
This kind of internal dialogue often makes us feel more anxious about being a mom because we feel the need to “do better” or stay on top of everything to get as close to that idea of perfection in motherhood.
What if We Stop Using “Should” and Instead Replace Our Inner Self-Talk With “Could”?
Where “should” is very limiting and restrictive, “could” allows for many more options and possibilities. Using “could” and “couldn’t” takes the pressure off to get things perfect and exact because it doesn’t limit our beliefs by stating that there is only one good option.
What if instead of saying, “I should have worked harder to breastfeed my baby,” we use “I could have worked harder to breastfeed my baby.” By using “could,” it opens up other possibilities: “Yes, I could have worked harder, but I also could have stopped when I did because I was exhausted. I could have tried another technique, but I also could have decided that breastfeeding was not working well for me and my baby.”
“Could” takes away the restrictive pressure that “should” and “shouldn’t” create and instead allows for many different options, with there not being a definitive, single right way. “Could” gives you room to breathe and the space to say, “It’s okay to do it another way.”
It May Seem Silly to Focus on the Words We Are Using in Our Inner Self-Talk, but Words Have Power
They have the power to leave us feeling guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed, but they also have the power to leave us feeling validated and confident in our decisions. They can help remind us that we are doing the absolute best that we possibly can. Motherhood is hard, and we get so much pressure already from the outside world that we don’t need to put any additional pressure on ourselves. So, mama, stop “shoulding” yourself and embrace the language of “could.”
Begin Online Anxiety Therapy in Colorado, Hawaii, Florida & Louisiana
Changing one’s inner monologue takes time and commitment. I understand that doing so is much easier said than done, which is why I’m happy to offer support via online therapy in Hawaii, Florida, Louisiana, and Colorado. If you’re ready to start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:
Schedule a free 15-minute consult via phone or video
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Other Services Offered With Ashley Comegys, LCSW
I offer a variety of services for residents Hawaii, Lousiana, Colorado, and Florida. Mental health services include therapy for anxiety, depression, postpartum depression, trauma, and grief. I also offer online postpartum support, and therapy for military spouses. Learn more by visiting my blog or about page today!