There’s a common myth that motherhood completes or defines us as women.

When you begin the journey toward becoming a mother, there is hopefulness, a feeling of excitement, and wanting to have a child. Then it happens. You have your perfect baby in your arms and all of a sudden, in that instant, you go from being the person you’ve been your whole life to being some new and different person – somebody’s mom. And it’s exciting and wonderful and then…

There can be a mourning that sets in.

Even if you don’t recognize it as that, new (and even seasoned) moms can experience feelings of loss for life as it used to be. Whether or not you have felt the lows of postpartum depression or the isolation of being a new mom and military spouse disconnected from friends and family. There’s a reorganization that accompanies major life changes, such as welcoming a new baby, that demands attention. It’s completely okay to grieve who you were before (a friend, a child, a partner, an employee, a boss, a global citizen).

To get our identities back, we need to push against the norm that a mother’s life is solely about nurturing and raising their family. Giving entirely and selflessly to others wasn’t the reality before you had kids and it doesn’t need to be your reality after.

Mothers deserve an inner life that is rich and encompasses all the roles they have played in their lives. Her needs, desires, passions, hopes, goals, aspirations, and interests do not have to fade into the past. Motherhood isn’t what drew amazing people and opportunities into your life before you had children and it isn’t the only identity available to you now. 

So, what’s a mother to do?

1.    Change The Conversation

As new mothers, we become friends with other moms, building a new community of people who are also parenting tiny humans. Our conversations become dominated by talk of child development, parenting hacks, sleep deprivation, educational toys, eating concerns, potty training, and on and on. 

When you hang out with mom friends, instead of asking about their child or anything about parenting, try changing the conversation. Ask about the best movie they’ve seen recently or a book, podcast, or self-care project they’ve undertaken. Have a conversation with friends, strangers, and partners that ignores that you’re a parent for 5 minutes (or preferably longer…) and allows you to engage in the mental floss you used to love, the hobbies or interests you had pre-kids.

2.    Connect With Your People

Do you believe that relationships are relevant to self-identify? Whether it’s a sibling, best friend, work wife, or book club you held closely pre-children, the relationship has likely changed and been tested in the months and years after you’ve had a child. Yet these bonds are some of the most important to your identity. They tell the story of you. As difficult as it may seem, these connections, though changed, can evolve to encompass the pre-mom and post-mom YOU. 

It takes effort but prioritizing these relationships is a big key to rediscovering your identity. Brainstorm how you can reconnect with those important people. Ask them about yourself pre-mom and what they notice that you might have left behind. Their insights can help you identify the aspects of your old self that you might want to tap back into. 

3.    Practice Self-care 

The term self-care might be overused and misused but it is the kindling to reignite your passions that might be fading to embers in the milieu of parenting. Self-care is about remembering what used to set you on fire. Many new moms acknowledge the sacredness of a shower or getting to poop in peace so I’m going to say this LOUD: basic hygiene is not self-care! 

Whether you used to love watercolor painting, baking, reading, yoga, or community involvement, I encourage you to explore creative ways to bring your kids along as you rediscover those parts of yourself in this new role.

Are there ways to rekindle that former passion in your day-to-day? It might look different now with the added responsibilities of parenting and less time for yourself but rediscovering these parts of yourself, the ones developed over years and decades before becoming a mother, is extremely powerful, energizing, invigorating, and important. Those pieces are all still there within you, a part of you. So how can you tap into them and even invite your kids or your mom community to join you?

4.    Get Out

The best way to begin rebuilding your identity after having kids is to get away from them. That’s not meant as harshly as it sounds. While parenting during the COVID lockdown, I remember trying to take a 15-minute break by myself in the backyard while my husband watched the kids. After about 27 seconds, my 2-year-old found me and wanted to sit in my lap. Then, my 6-year-old came out asking about dinner and looking for his soccer ball. I gave up. It’s as though they could smell me. They knew I was nearby and hunted me down. I felt like nothing was my own anymore. Not my body, not my time, not even my backyard.

In light of this experience, I encourage you to leave. Get your partner, neighbor, family member, or sitter to watch the kids. Take a walk. Get a coffee. Meet a friend. Sign up for a class. Visit a museum. Take yourself to dinner. See a movie. Browse a bookstore. Get out and do whatever YOUR heart desires. 

5.    Talk To A Therapist Who Works With Moms

Perhaps the best way to rebuild your connection to yourself is through a commitment to therapy. The suggestion that you need to reconnect to your old identity can feel daunting. After all, that person is now worlds away as you find yourself in the role of mother, primary caregiver, the person responsible for keeping other human beings alive. 

A neutral third party can be a huge help as you redefine yourself as a person who is also a mother. Finding balance isn’t easy and it seems impossible there will ever be room/time/space/energy to reconnect to yourself. That’s exactly why I include therapy in this list. 

Whatever it looks like for you and whatever modality or type of therapist you choose, it’s worth having someone in your corner on the days when you second guess your performance as a parent or feel burdened or defined by your title. A therapist can help brainstorm activities you can do daily, weekly, and monthly to reclaim the beautiful and thriving person you were pre-kids while also embracing the person you have become. 

Most importantly, this assignment to rediscover yourself doesn’t have a due date.

There are no word counts or metrics on which you will be graded. This is simply about you being playful, inquisitive, mindful, and curious… remembering where you used to find inspiration and discovering new ways to bring that energy back into your life. 

At the end of the day, this journey of motherhood is just that. A journey. With pit stops and shortcuts (that turn into longcuts) and U-turns and pee breaks and possibly even some car sickness (because, of course…) but it’s YOUR journey. It belongs to you and it is what you make of it. Remember, mama, that you are in the driver’s seat. Ready to take the wheel?

Begin Therapy for Moms in Florida, Hawaii, Colorado, and Louisiana

Rediscovering yourself can be a challenging journey. I understand the time it can take to recognize your identity, and I’d be happy to offer support across Colorado, Hawaii, Louisiana, and Florida. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:

1. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation via phone or video

2. Learn more about me

3. Start cultivating your identity

Other Services Offered with Ashley Comegys

Therapy for moms isn’t the only service I offer for the residents of Colorado, Hawaii, Louisiana, and Florida. I’m happy to offer a variety of services in support of your mental health. Other services offered include grief counseling, online postpartum depression treatment, online postpartum support, and online depression treatment. I’m also happy to offer military spouse therapy, and online trauma treatment for women. Visit my blog or about page to learn more today!